The one thing no one told me about…

I read exactly one book in regards to breastfeeding, I had supportive family and friends, and I even joined breastfeeding support groups on Facebook! Every single chapter in our breastfeeding journey has been just that, a chapter. When Jordyn decided very very early on that she didn’t want to take a bottle of my expressed milk, that was a chapter in our journey. When I was experiencing low milk supply then over supply, that was another. The one chapter no one told me about or prepared me for was the very last chapter, the one that pens the last breastfeeding moment between mother and that nursling.

After 3 years I am positive I am writing the beginning of what will be our last chapter. Every single emotion that I am feeling  is so unusual to me that I don’t even know how to describe them. I know how I should feel. I should feel proud, my body has continuously done this amazing thing everyday for more than 3 years. I should feel a sense of relief, I can reclaim by body as my own again. A small part of me does feel all of those things… most of me doesn’t. I sit back and look at Jordyn and know that my days of nursing her are limited. My newborn quickly grew into an infant, who quickly grew into a toddler, who will quickly grow into a preschooler. The days and years flew by. I always said that we would stop feeding when we were both ready but it has became clear I am not ready and it can’t be about me. I have no choice but to be ready because Jordyn is almost there. No one told me how emotional self weaning would be for the mother. I hold our nursing relationship and journey close to my heart. We both fought hard to get where we are together.It is what keeps us close. It is what keeps me in bed with her every night, it is what keeps me home with her everyday.

When she is scared, she nurses.

When she is uncomfortable, she nurses.

When she is embarrassed, she nurses.

When she is tired or overwhelmed, she nurses.

I hope that as we both finish this chapter that I can still remain her favorite comfort place. She won’t get any smaller. We don’t get to press the replay button on life. All of the days we’ve spent nursing during the last 3 years are just memories. Once she stops that is it. I am not sure what the future holds for my family and I. I cannot be certain that I will have another nursing relationship in the future. I don’t know if the last nursing session Jordyn has will be my very last nursing session in life. Breastfeeding has opened up and led me to so many new places and amazing people. It has allowed me to help and support fellow mothers who are on their own feeding journey. I can only hope I am ready when the times calls for it, until then I will hug Jordyn extra tight and hold her just a bit longer.

-B

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